Technique application

Paragraph rewrite for paper A:
Original:
In American public schools, parents place a great amount of faith and trust in the school system to nourish their children in both mind and body. This in turn causes the students to also trust in the school. Therefore, by supplying unhealthy food for the students it teaches them bad eating habits which creates a false and misleading perception of what health is. In high school I had a friend who told me she was trying to eat healthy so she pulled out a bagel with strawberry cream cheese. I couldn’t believe she actually thought that she was eating healthy. Such is the case with many students. They get so used to eating fried meat, boxed foods such as potatoes, frozen foods and drinking soft drinks that they begin to think it’s actually healthy. What they don’t realize is that the ingredients included in those foods such as preservatives and other chemicals, can actually cause diabetes, high cholesterol, obesity, acne etc... The school lunch programs need to teach by example and modify their programs to where the students can actually experience what healthy food is.

Rewrite:
One might ask what a healthy diet is. The dietary guidelines describe a healthy diet as one that emphasizes fruits, vegetables, whole grains, is low in saturated fats, trans fats, cholesterol and includes lean meats, poultry, fish, beans, eggs and nuts. Such a diet is taught to students using the food pyramid as a guideline. They learn the importance of having a balanced diet and they know what kinds of foods wouldn’t fit in that category. However, school cafeterias serve foods that are exactly the opposite of what is taught to the students. In supplying unhealthy food it teaches the students bad eating habits because they trust that whatever the school serves is healthy. Therefore, they develop a misunderstanding of which foods are good for them or not. The students then claim that such foods as bagels with strawberry cream cheese or deep fried chicken are healthy because they are “high in protein”. These are false perceptions. Unlike whole wheat bread, white bread, such as a bagel, has been completely stripped of its nutritional value. Also, any food that is deep fried looses almost 70% of its nutritional value because the extreme heat when frying destroys all the essential fatty acids.